the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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