The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
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I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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