I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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