dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
