I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
