I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
