I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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