So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
