i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize