Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
