He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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