I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
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Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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