You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
