Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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