I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
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Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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