Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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