I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
