I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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