Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
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My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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