I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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