my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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