The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
