I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
