hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
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I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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