Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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