Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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