Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
