what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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