Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
