I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
