i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I look excited, but its just a facade.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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