My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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