Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
