the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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