found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
