she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
