I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So much rum. So many feels.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
