I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dick has a subreddit
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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