Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
