Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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