Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize