I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
