Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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