i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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