my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
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Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
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Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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