Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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