we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
