My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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