totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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