When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
