It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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