my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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