I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
