I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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