dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys