Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
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He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
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It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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