Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
