Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
