So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
