I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
